More Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

This news just in:

Wal-Mart stores across Alabama sold out of ammunition yesterday afternoon. A reliable source reports that purchasers confirmed that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama .

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Note: I found it funny that I knew was going to post this today and found a serious question about aging HERE. Hope this helps everyone enjoy aging another day.

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I 'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down... :-(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf!

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Out of it...

here is some humor to keep you smiling until I get back up again... suppose to be done with surgery around 9am. Hubby has my cell phone... which means you won't reach me until he gets home with it!


http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=902

More Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Another oldie in a little bit of a different format:

How to Call The Police When You're Old and Don't Move Fast

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up! .

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

What Love means to a 4-8 year old. .


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8
----
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4
----
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5
----
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6
----
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4
----
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7
----
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8
----
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
----
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
----
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7
----
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6
-----
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8
----
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6
----
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5
----
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7
----
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4
----
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4
----
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7
----
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6
----
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
----
And the final one:

The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

VW Bugs and Mental Floss

MaryBeth sent me a great link from Mental Floss... it was about how 30 years ago today, they stopped making vw bugs and 10 quick tidbits about vw bugs.

Number 9 was my favorite:

9. Beetle engines are often hacked into other things, including ski lifts, small airplanes, air compressors, water pump-powerers and motorcycles.

But there was a game mentioned that I remember as a kid... that was number 4:

4. Lots of kids play Slug Bug here in the Midwest. If you see a Bug somewhere, you immediately punched whoever is closest to you and say, “Slug Bug, no slugs back.” Apparently the game is called Punch Buggy everywhere else in the world.

Go enjoy learning more about my namesake. Gotta love those bugs!

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Nuclear power....


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh.t? '

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

*** DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the Label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say "10:00 PM" others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

*** WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this Special Occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the Sack.

*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Solve the Mystery

This is too cute not to share. Think real hard and you can solve this mystery.

3 Old Ladies from Arizona

This is a detective story -
So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

NOW !!! SOLVE THE MYSTERY!!!!
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some more!!

You're gonna love this one!!

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American, DOESN'T IT?

More Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

This is NSFW!!!

A toy that I never want in my household... follow THIS LINK... my B-I-L sent it to me. ARGHHHHHHHH

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

This fits the way I feel right now... and it is an oldie but goodie...


MILDRED
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was very upset over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.




FIGHTING TERROR
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan & let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their wicked forsaken terrain.

Sincerely,

The Mature Women of the United States

More Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Just for Bou, I looked around for breast humor.

I found this breast ogle game... I tried a couple of times and finally won once...

Breast Ogle

= = =

There is a lot of breast feeding humor and lots of conferences given by cancer survivors that say humor helps... but honest good funny breast humor... very lacking. ar ar ar... It's late, I'm tired. Please send your prayers and good thoughts over to Bou. While she is handling it well, it never hurts to have a good prayer or thought sent the way of someone dealing with a lump found in the breast.

Writing 101

I have to laugh. I totally forgot about Richmond's daughter the other day and the post she did on her 'daily planner'. It was frick'n hilarious. Go HERE to read it.

Yep, I can see something like that happening at our house. Luckily it will be further into the future. Phew.

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

mu.nu was down while I was awake last night. Here is some last minute humor that just hit me as funny this morning...

A Somali arrives in California as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work."

More Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Attack!

Seems that mu.nu and I didn't mix last night. Hence, I'm sending my attack dog over to get the ones that brought down mu.nu...







What? You don't think this ferocious dog will scare them? Naa... me neither... all he wants is a belly rub. Sigh.

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep--A Tired Mother's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean...
(Well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know...
I must have lost them long ago!

More Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

My BIL sent me THIS SITE for my dog... I was LMAO when I saw it...

= = =

Sleep Is Better Than S.x Because...

1. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.

2. No one will start rumours about how much you sleep.

3. You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.

4. You don't have to pay for sleep.

5. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.

6. Sleep can last a good eight hours. (or even more)

7. You can sleep in church.

8. While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.

9. Your teddy bear never complains.

And of course....

10. It's legal to sleep in any position whichever country you live in.